Goodbye To Romance
Dear Bastards,
With events going on in my life such as they have lately, I have had
occasion to assess many things. I have felt for the past few months,
that I am a "convenience" friend and cast member. In other words, I
hear from people when they need me to perform or whatever, but have
never recieved calls of "Hey, how is life?" or "Hey, let's go hang
out". This has caused me feelings of being an outsider in a group of
outsiders. The bottom line is, it appears that I am neglected. No,
this is not a "feel sorry for me" thread. Screw that, you all know I
am not that kind of person. That being said, everyone has known or
has found out about the different skills/and or roles I have taken in
regards to Rocky Horror, yet none of this is put to use or is asked
for. It almost feels like I have a degree, and never get to use it.
What this all boils down to is that I am taking an indefinite hiatus
from los Bastardos. Many things have occurred to cause this to
happen. I shall elaborate a little bit.
1. Drama. It is what caused me to leave my previous cast, and sadly
is the main reason I am leaving this one for at least awhile. You
all probably know some of these situations that have affected me in
this manner. My best friend leaves cast, yet I am left to listen to
beratement and jokes at the expense of this person, when you guys
knew we were close. Ditto this experience with another close
friend. Hedwig is not without feelings. Another friend of mine also
leaves cast, and is not allowed to tell their side of the story.
Rule #6 in the cast packet. Hedwig is not without feelings. Talking
about me behind my back, when you have been given no right to do so,
ever (you know who you are). Hedwig is not without feelings.
2. Personal Life. I have gone through the roughest times of an
already shaky life in the past few months. Did you guys know that I
may have fathered a child? Yeah, slim chance, but possibility. I
lost my job, my unemployment was denied, car and house were both
broken into, and I have been evicted from my apartment. My mom wants
little to do with me, is only concerned with what will happen to her
furniture when I leave my apartment. On top of this, I have yet to
have any luck with my job search. I am literally at the end of my
rope. I know things like this happen to everyone, but to someone
who's already low, they are a crushing blow to an already fragile
psyche.
3. Lack Of Opportunity. I won't even address this, as it angers
me. No, I do not feel that after being on cast for awhile, I deserve
to play a part. Yes, I feel disrespected and sad when someone is
just thrown into a role, and is not challenged to a run-off, as I was.
So there you have it in a nutshell. The past 14 months have been
some of the most fun and frustrating times in my life. I have made
and lost some great friends(regardless of what others may say) along
the way. We have laughed together, we have cried together. I am
crying as I type this. I feel as though our show is now just people
going through the motions. Whatever happened to mayonnaise through a
straw, Dead Dr. Scott, glow-stick nipple rings, or Mangenta? These
are the things I miss and wish I could have seen more of.
To Address Individuals
Shannon - I feel close to you, as we have talked about some of our
rough times together. We also share and appreciation for MeatLoaf.
I want to see your Eddie someday.
Amy - We have'nt ever really talked all that much, but I do remember
a certain Sally costume, and a big blonde named Desiree. I want to
see your Columbia someday.
Star - You too I feel close to, as we have shared rough times and
some music talk along the way. I will always cherish your smile, and
the big hugs I have always been greeted with. Think about trying
Magenta, it might fit you.
Angie - Ah, the little one. My how you have blossomed since your
first time as Transie. Remember to smile.
Rachel - Here we have the first person from cast I ever ate alone at
IHOP with, who further persuaded me to join, when I was afraid of
everyone. I thank you for that. Six'll fit.
Tony2 - Man, oh man. My opinion and relationship with you has made a
complete turnaround since the first time we met. You have turned
out to be a very sweet and talented guy(can lick snack cake off
nipples). Try to work on Frank, and see where that takes you. I'll
see you at the Village on Thursdays.
Starman Matt - Again a very sweet and talented guy. Have spent many
a night at the Church with you, getting religious. Hope you find
that redhead that is waiting out there for you.
Paul2 - Damn you for going to the Army. I wish you the best of luck,
and don't be a stranger.
Eris - Don't know you all that well, but seem like a sweet girl.
You're a good transie, and would make a nice Janet someday.
Gillian - Limey. You are a really interesting and talented girl, and
have made Rocky feel more at home for me by being so professional. I
will miss you.
Mikey - The Cyborg. I will be sure to come see your band at some
point, and we can talk about serial killers.
Last But Not Least
Leah - We have had our ups and downs. You rescued me when my clutch
went out, and made me feel a part of the retarded family we call los
Bastardos. I wish I had had the courage to communicate more with you
over time, but it is a regret I must live with. Hedwig will always
hold a special place in her heart for you.
To all of you - I know it may seem trite and Hallmark-esque, but I
love each and every one of you guys. I am a person who gets attached
to people very easily, so taking this indefinite break is something
that is very very hard for me to do. I hurt deeply when I think of
the good times that were had. Yatta, 80s show, Benbrook Daisies.
But I also feel optimistic that there will one day be more good times
for the Bastards to have, and will be there when that happens.
I want to go ahead and address something here, as a last salvo. Yes,
the rumors are true. I will be performing with 3MD as long as they
need me, they need more c*ck and I'm the one to give it. This has
nothing to do with "cast loyalty". I am not leaving los Bastardos
because I want to "defect to the Dark Side", but because I love
performing Rocky Horror. It is something that has been in my blood
for 6 years, 3 1/2 of them with me on a cast. 3MD are good people,
hell some of you come to the shows! They have a place for me, and I
feel I am ready to take it and run with that mother f*cker!
If you guys want to come see me, I will be performing Brad with 3MD
Dec. 6th. I would really like to see alot of you there to support
me. Scratch that, I'd love for ALL of you to come support me as I
play the Asshole! I hope there are no hard feelings, though I don't
believe I matter much in the scheme of things anyway.
I love you all
Toni Gnosis
formerly Hedwig
Current Mood: 
sadCurrent Music: Goodbye To Romance - Ozzy 
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